Missing you

It is that time of year yet again, Christmas, and though it is touted as a happy time of year for many it isn't. I try, really I do but I am painfully reminded of the important people who are missing from my life. Namely, my younger brother, Robin and my parents. It is especially potent as Robin's birthday is the week before Christmas. The question of "why" still persists. There are moments of acceptance followed by the anger, the resentment and just the flat out grief of loss. Loss of the music, laughter, the ally, the brother, my little brother who was supposed to grow old with me and share the laughter and the pain. Yet, he sustained a lot longer than most may have. I have postponed writing as if not talking about it will make the emotions go away, it only encourages them to manifest themselves in other ways ie: grouchiness, yelling, malcontent, etc. I could feel it coming, looming like watching an incoming storm waiting for the full force of it to hit. I am not sure it is here yet. I still have to continue to fulfill my roles, wife, mother, employee and friend when really, what I want to do is throw myself on the floor and cry, sob and sob until I can cry no more.